Tuesday, 11 November 2014

The Parking Prankster opens a bank account

Truthfully, this blog should really be entitled, 'The Parking Prankster attempts to open a bank account'.

The Parking Prankster, having occasion to open an organisational bank account, set off to his local branch armed with reams of identity documents. On arrival, the nice man explained that they no longer opened accounts in branches (so last century) and The Prankster would have to do it over the phone. However, please use our phone (to phone us) said the nice man. The nice lady on the phone said that the bank was de-merging, and that the branch he was in no longer opened that type of account. However, The Prankster could still physically open the account there (since this was done by phone), but she would have to transfer me to the other bank's phone, even though it was still currently the same bank. She also explained that when it came down to actual banking The Prankster would have to bank at the other branch, which was 30 yards away over the road.

The new nice lady (from the other bank) now explained that accounts could not really be opened over the phone at all, but that some forms needed to be filled in. No branches actually stocked these forms any more so she said she would email the forms to The Prankster. The Prankster explained that as he was at the bank right now he would really like to be getting on with filling them in straight away, so he could ask if he could have any questions. The nice lady said she would copy the email to the branch so they could print them out then and there. The Prankster then explained he had tons of identification with him, just in case it was needed but the nice lady confided they no longer did it that way (so last century) and that The Prankster would be verified over the internet.

By this time The Prankster had received the email on his phone. However the bank did not receive the email, even though they sent it to themselves. The Prankster forwarded the email to them, but they still did not receive it. The Prankster went over the road to the other bank, but they could not receive the email either. Strangely The Prankster got a bounce email stating the nice man behind the enquiries desk did not exist even though he agreed The Prankster had typed his email correctly from his business card. At this point their wifi stopped working so The Prankster left.

Slightly frustrated the Prankster popped into lots of other banks, but none of them were able to open accounts there and then. One of them promised an appointment could be had as early as the first week in December.  So he went home.

There, he printed the forms, filled them out and posted them off (so last century).

The Prankster did chuckle when he noticed that the bank officers had a bad case of 'willy need'.

No doubt this will have been caused by all the frustration involved.

Happy banking

The Parking Prankster


  1. That is very funny (but frustrating) Digital by default eh! Bring back the abacus I say.

  2. Noticing the phrase 'willy need', the Prankster quickly realised that he was in a sperm bank.

  3. I can remember the days when I had my account at the local Nat West branch, and the manager was older than me. I would go into his wood-panelled office once a year for an account review, over a cup of coffee.

    When I was buying a house, and the sale of my existing house fell through at the last minute, I phoned him to arrange a bridging loan so that I wouldn't lose the new house. He asked me to fax over the details of both properties, and within half an hour was back on the phone, telling me I could write a cheque for a 10% deposit, and we could sort out the paperwork later.

    Try doing any of that with today's pre-pubescent 'managers'.

  4. Emails do funny things. Example from one I got the other day:
    incoming clip...." Do you have this dress in stock? Please let me know.
    Thank you
    God Zanni"

    Then right after......"By the way my name is Geri spell check wrote me down as God Zanni."

    Response from me......"I've never had a message from God before so it's a bit disappointing that you corrected that"

    And there I was ready to convert back to being a religious freak.

    1. I fell foul of the auto spell check once when I touch typed an appeal to ParkingEye and sent it blind. I typed, "The amount stipulated on your invoice is not a true representation of any loss you have suffered so I would be grateful if you could cancel it immediately." Unfortunately, the spell check changed it to, "Take your manufactured demand and shove it up your tradesman's entrance you filthy weasels."

  5. A new BlogSpot site in the making - The banking-prankster ?

  6. I'm beginning to think Ken Dodd has the right idea after all.

  7. Having had to produce endless documentation in the past, Santander opened on line needed no verification. We had to leave Unintelligent Finance as they are essentially closing down and were recommended to change to TSB. TSB you can apply on line, but to create a joint account you have to go into a branch - with all the ID. At the branch they tell you you need an appointment (would be nice if they told you that online) but after much faffage joint account was created.

    I am now up to 4 current accounts, NatWest (p***d me off when they wanted to charge £500 for their one account set up so we went with IF for free) then they accidentally started charging £3/month for the privilege of AirMiles. The Financial Crisis meant we needed to split savings, so ended up at Nationwide, started TSB but the goodies didn't suit and now with Santander for their goodies.

    Direct Line kindly wrote to me telling me that they had opened an account in my name which was probably fraudulent and would they like me to do something about it. I was rather puzzled why a new and working bank card had arrived. Chatted with their online fraud, and the mistake the fraudsters had made was using the same maiden name on a number of different applications. However, most info they check is a matter of public record, so the checks are pointless.

  8. I tried to speak to Santander on the phone but was told I hadn't got a phone banking pin number. I had to ring another number to get one. When I rung that number I got someone in Calcutta who didn't speak much English and didn't know what I wanted. He very kindly reset my bank card pin number so that when I tried to withdraw some cash the next day at the machine, it didn't work. I got the new card pin number a few days later and rung Santander again to try to set up telephone banking. Another Indian gentleman who was very polite but still didn't speak English, again reset my bank card pin number. This happened a 3rd time and I gave up trying to do do telephone banking at this point.